Uh-Oh

It is 11:00 am, the day before...and I just got off the phone with Christina because I just found out that I don't have anyone to pick me up from the airport Monday. Of course Christina can pick me up. Its good to have people that There for you. Thanks Baz :). A perfect way to start this Uh-Oh blog...

Where am I now? In Palos Verdes at my kitchen table with Mad Men going in the background...I will have to rewind it however...its not the show you can just listen to. Anyways 13 hours from now I will be at the airport on my way to Israel for the first time...

I am known for procrastination but this is the ULTIMATE procrastination. I have still not packed...I just started my laundry...In short I don't think it has really hit me that I am LEAVING tomorrow. I thrive on knowing it's the last minute but this time it feel different. Its almost like I am avoiding it. Don't get me wrong I am soo blessed to go to Israel and I thank the Jewish Federation for paying for me! and I am seriously one of the luckiest people! I get to go to the Holy Land with my best friend and soon to be best friends! But something is making me wait to pack. I am scared.

I do think I am ruled by fear as I think a lot of people are. I have come to terms with the fact that I get through my days with the fear fire under my ass. I wake up in fear I will be late for something, I eat in fear of health, I do what I am suppose to do because I fear of disappointment . I sleep in fear I will be tired. Sound familiar? maybe, maybe not. But I am sure at some point in your life you can relate to my plight. FEAR! ( To friends and family, I do not want to scare you, DON'T WORRY I AM HAPPY! but I had to come to terms with my fear first)

My biggest fear now...
That I will be forever changed. I know that sounds stereotypical. But think about it...I go to this country for three weeks I am bound to have some kind of epiphany, right? I mean just going to New York for 10 Days last summer I came back with new perspectives.My friends joke that I have to come back! and that I am not aloud to stay, I know its a "joke" but some part of that is real. After this year there is no one telling me what I should be doing and how I should be doing it. For the first time in awhile I am fully in charge of where I take it from here, and maybe I have been this whole time but now is the first time I am aware of it. SO! Who says I don't go to Israel and realize that I am suppose to be a Rabbi and I stop dancing and acting and all the plans I have had since I was five years old have been dropped. I know that's crazy but who's to say it won't happen???? I guess G-d.

In this land Abraham and all the people after him Believed and Trusted G-d. So will I.

It was this past winter break that I visited a JAM ( Jewish Awareness Movement) Shabbat on campus at UCSB where Rabbi Yaacov Shushan told the table "Don't Scare Yourself". A lot easier said then done. I took that through me this whole semester meaning to master it. However it took me 3 months to really understand what that even meant. After many tears of fear and frustration it means trust in G-d, trust in my fellow people, and trust in myself. If I have that much trust in the universe how can there be fear?

So for now I must trust that in time I will put the stuff in my suitcase, that the travel will be easy ( as easy as going to Israel can be...). And most importantly I will trust in myself not be scared of enlightenment.

I hope you will follow my blog, I do not promise good grammar or spelling or things. And it might take a while for me to write because I am not bringing my computer with me so I will rely on the Internet cafe's.
Also...do not call my cell phone.. it will cost me a lot of money....I will call you hahahaha :)


Here's to fulfilling a prophecy!!! LCHAIM!

I will bring them out from the nations and gather them from the countries, and I will bring them in their own land. I will pasture them on the mountains of Israel, in the ravines and in all the settlements in the land.- Ezekial 34:13


Shalom

Rachael